Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  February 7, 2013 11:00pm-11:30pm PST

11:00 pm
's just crazy. you could've just told me the story about hitting the statue. i mean, where did you come up with this idea? - well, i learned everything by watching you. - well, i--oh--aw, shit, i did do that, huh? - yeah, you totally-- you pulled that shit on us too. - well... - you son of a bitch. - that's no excuse. - yeah, well, at least you didn't try and grift a doctor, though. - no, no, i never actually said i was a doctor. - he's the goddamn church gardener. - a gardener? i guess that would explain this. - oh! oh! - jesus! - i was gonna talk to you about that. i'm really sorry. you had my back up against the wall. i had to spray you with a heavy dose of pesticide. put some aloe vera gel on there, a little bit of vitamin d-- - what? he doesn't know that. he doesn't know that. - don't get a diagnosis from him now. - why--how would you know that? goddamn it. - dennis. dennis! mom's alive. she faked her own death to steal frank's money, and we think it's buried in her grave. - that dirty whore. everybody get a goddamn shovel! this is such a perfect place for that bitch to hide my money. - oh, psychic john talked about this.
11:01 pm
he said i was gonna come into a windfall of cash, and it's all in here. - yeah, and then we can use some of that cash to pay for the statue that our moms broke, charlie. - all right! [coughing] you guys ready? - crack it open, charlie. - charlie! charlie! - show me the money! - charlie! charlie! - show me the money! - [cheers] - ah, shit! oh, shit! [all screaming] - no! no! - mommy, mommy! - ah! i grifted ya! - [shuddering] - what are you talking about? - i paid off the psychic. i buried the money in the dog grave. - my mommy-- my mommy's a skeleton! [sobbing] - i grifted your asses good because you said i was slipping. - i feel too much! i feel too much! - you made me dig up my dead mother because i said you were losing it? - score one for the old people. [laughs] wait a minute. what the hell happened to my shoes?
11:02 pm
>> from comedy central ealz world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. nice show for you tonight. our guest tonight the man who helped oversee the nation's bank bailout and lived to tell the tale of it. neil barofsky will be joining us on the program. we have a program note. last night we went all in on president obama, his administration and the secrecy regarding the seemingly ambiguous and power loaded u.s. drone program. you may have seen that at 11:00 on the way to checking out top champions. it's a show on the food network but it's december appointing because you are expecting champions and -- [laughter] at least show the documents to
11:03 pm
congress we pled to the president. show them to congress so that the two of you can abuse american power together as the founders intended. before we release that nugget into the -- what is it called -- a tv. [ laughter ] this little piece of news came out. >> president obama has directed the justice department to provide congressional intelligence committees access to classified information providing the legal rational for the drone strikes. >> jon: the guy just ruined our whole (bleep) show. just out of the clear blue boom! no warning. whole show, blew it up. [ laughter ] we tape at 6:30 and there's a four and a half hour lag time before the show airs. we did that whole thing.
11:04 pm
the reason we do that is because that's how long it takes industrialite magic to digitally alter what i look like in person. it's called andy rooney's disease. [laughter] will congress be allowed to copy and take notes on the highly classified memos? of course not. will congress be able to refer to the content of the memos in public? no. it's what is known in the business as technically better than nothing. we taped at 6:30. last night we mentioned this guy from the budweiser comesh shasm was -- commercial was banging his horse. by the time show aired at 1:00 we were told the relationship had run its course ax poll gis to them as well. a rescasmtion of drone --
11:05 pm
reexamation of drones is not the only thing. the $85 million across the board spending cuts that congress put into place to force them to agree on a deficit reduction plan. it's a stupid plan. [ laughter ] how will those cuts help us? >> the congressional budget office came out with a report ten minutes ago that said the effects of sequester will be to retard growth by 1.25 percentage points. >> jon: how many people only took away from that sound bite the word retard. and how that word even if proper context seems offensive. you can't even call our economy retarded. what are you going to do now? you can't offend our economy. it will hit the defense department. how do you think the defense department feels about that? >> if these cuts happen there le
11:06 pm
bay disruption in defense and sharp decline in military readiness. >> jon: you can pull troops from germany and consolidate middle east forces and most armies and go all in on the australian content. this is not a game. [laughter] >> jon: no it's the game the world domination. risk. this is jon stewart comedian and drawing room emperor. you know, when i'm looking to kill eight hours, i like to play half a game of risk. [laughter] risk: because monopoly moves too fast and ends too quickly. >> this is reality. >> jon: all right. settle down. defense budget, we're not going to be ready to protect the country and defense spending cuts will have economic impacts as well.
11:07 pm
for instance, if the sequester kicks in not only will the international readiness be degraded things like the blue angels air show and fleet week will be canceled. no fleet week means no cher music videos. that means shares of mesh thong body stockings takes a big hit. that factory closes throws dozens of lingerie workers off the job and we're forced to wear our underwear on the inside. devastating consequences. is there a way to go through the defense budget with a fine tooth comb and find some cuts that may not be so draconian. add madrigal has more. >> congress knows there's no easy answers. >>s incumbent to have the discussion about whether or not we have the money to do this.
11:08 pm
>> but 173 congresspeople from both parties said we do have the money to buy 300 new and -- abrams mi1 tanks and urged the expenditure of $3 billion. why the tanks? >> it shows we're weakening the resolve. >> alan karuba explains. >> we need more tanks for the simple reason that we may have to use them. >> it's the same reason that when you order pizza you also get bredsticks and pasta and wings. as you can imagine liberals were outraged. >> our tank fleet is in good shape. it's far beyond not just our fiscal ability, it's far beyond our needs. >> that's right the army doesn't want any more tanks. the retired major general paul eden. >> tank warfare is a low probability event. >> but it's a probability?
11:09 pm
>> that's why we have 2400 active duty m-1 tanks. not those extra 300 congress wants us to buy. >> congress really must want to protect america. >> it's a jobs program in their eyes. >> no, not a jobs program it's a defense program. >> we need enough tanks to fight whatever the next conflict is. >> in addition we have 3,000 tanks sitting in a boneyard near reno, nevada. >> when are we going to send more? >> why would you send more tanks to reno, nevada? >> has nevada been attacked? >> to my knowledge, nevada has never been attacked. >> boom. what more do you want? why 300 more tanks including the active duty tanks ant 3,000 sitting in the diseaseert? >> the risk of having less tanks
11:10 pm
is having less tanks. >> well that's a (bleep). >> well, i'm not a west point graduate and i'm not particularly trained in such matters. i have a general knowledge of military issues and affairs. >> he may not be a west point graduate but he does know this: >> you never know what kind of war you are going to fight until you have to fight it. >> who will we be fighting in the future? we'll talk about hypothetical situations. >> the entire continent of africa because many of those countries are heavily muslim. and where you have a lot of muslims you have a lot of problems. >> more muslims, more problems. >> yeah, because their religion requires them to wage jihad. if you are a muslim, up better be out there jihadding away. >> which explains all the wars we've had with ms. lums in indonesia, india and dearborn, michigan.
11:11 pm
clearly we need new tanks or new money but don't worry the army has a great way of raising some. >> one of the ways that we kept equipment costs down is we sell it to our friends. the saudis, kuwaities, egyptians. >> waiting we're selling our bad ass tanks to muslims? our general military issues and affairs expert is going to flip. >> selling our tanks to saudi arabia is not a likely scenario. >> just so you we are selling our tanks. >> we are? >> that's right. >> i don't -- i haven't followed that aspect of the story. if we're selling tanks to saudi arabiaans, good. they are our allies in some respects. >> some respects, not good enough. i gotta get rid of these tanks before our jihadi frenive enemies get ahold of them. >> we have tanks.
11:12 pm
at big al's tank em poreium. they are do it all. of course, getting traffic! [laughter] we'll not be undersold because i'm add madrigal about town.
11:13 pm
11:14 pm
11:15 pm
[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to the show. as you know, there's a fear in this country that the traditional america, our angry fathers and hilariously gracious grandparents grew up in that is disappearing. it's true. change is coming to america and sometimes change isn't easy. >> big changes coming to monopoly. haz hasbro let people choose a new option. >> the robot, the cat. >> jon: its that be robot. you have a choice of a robot, who would not pick robot. >> it's the cat. [ laughter ] >> jon: cat? how did cat beat robot? [laughter] >> it was put to a national vote on the web and social media.
11:16 pm
>> jon: damn you internet! [laughter] and your insatiable love of cats! the internet and their cats. [ laughter ] i'm serious if the presidential election was held on line this would be our new commander in chief. [ laughter ] the internet loves cats. [laughter] technically though you can use any object as a monopoly piece. they already do in the 18,000 varying vergz of monopoly. all of the versions are made by hasbro. it's like no other company can compete. like they have a -- the market corners or like a single holding on the proprietorship of the -- and other synonyms for mon mono.
11:17 pm
[laughter] board games are not the only thing disappearing from the america we used to love. >> the u.s. postal service says delivering the mail on saturdays must stop if they are to survive. >> the postal service hopes the cuts help them survive after losing nearly $16 billion last year. >> jon: i can't believe the business model of transporting letters with vehicles across the country for $40 cents a pop is failing. you want me to take that hawaii? i'll pit on a plane and get it there in two days you got a quarter? yeah, i'll do it for a quarter. [laughter] (bleep) it i'll just do it. [ laughter ] postmaster general what gives? if you had the same volume of mail we had many years ago before people paid bills on line we wouldn't worry about this. people pay their bills on line. it's sim. it's easy. it's free. you cannot beat free. >> jon: it probably doesn't
11:18 pm
help that the postmaster general is so enthusiastic about the technology destroying his agency. you have to be an idiot to go to the post office now. basically just offered the tagline for e-mail. you can't beat free. [laughter] with these tape staples of amern life coming undone is isn't thee an organization rushing to embrace america. >> boy scout vote not to vote on the lifting the ban on gay members and leaders until may. they need more time to deliberate the policy. >> jon: may seem like an antiquated process but at least there's an executive board overseeing the decision. perhaps if they put it online woulis woul
11:19 pm
11:20 pm
11:21 pm
11:22 pm
[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight was the special inspector general in charge of oversight of the tarp program. currently a fellow at the new york university school you laugh his book is called "bailout."
11:23 pm
please welcome to the program neil barofsky. sir, how are you? thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] have a seat. thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> jon: first of all i'm range rix the book is called "bailout." i've read at least ten of this type of insider financial. i did not know you could do it in a witty and entertaining fashion. i wish i had known this nine books ago. [laughter] it's really good and really entertaining and really allows to you see the human world that you were trapped in when you were overseeing tarp. >> i was a federal prosecutor for eight years. i got tapped to do this job. a lifelong democrat getting apointed by president george w. bush which was the craziest thing ever. i went down with my good friend who was also a prosecutor. we went into this alien world of
11:24 pm
washington where everything was upside down. we came from a culture where doing the right thing, putting bad guys in jail, was what we were supposed to do. we we went to a culture where everybody was concerned about looking out for themselves, the next newspaper report rather than the financial meltdown we just walked into. >> jon: the crazy part -- we spent so much time talking about theories of what might work and what might not. what we don't realize behind the scenes its plans and programs are executed by high school kids and i say that not trying to denigrate high school kids. [laughter] the amount of heady pardon the yiddish (bleep) you have to deal with. the first meeting you had with allison. >> herb.
11:25 pm
>> jon: where he explains how you are supposed to be. >> that wasn't him. that was the treasury department secretary general eric. they all gave me the same idea that the idea is to have that perfect goldie locks minimum. don't be too -- a lapdog which was too playing golf on the weekends with hank paulson or something like that. but you can't because hank has sort of a distended pinky so that wasn't an issue. >> jon: there's the inside dirt on the former treasury secretary. >> don't be too aggressive being a junkyard dog. don't make too many waves. don't make too much waves but don't appear too comfortable. behind all this, i first heard it i was like was this sounds reasonable. they were saying the best way to keep your head down, keep your budget coming and not rocking the boat too much which is the best path to getting a higher,
11:26 pm
better job in washington that's sort the way the town works jorchg it's go along or get along. it turns into a weird almost brazil like environment where you are basically -- you can't give homeowners money for their mortgage programs because that would create moral hazard while you are handing trillions to banks because they are too big to go after. this is the one of core ideological things we ran into. when it came to the banks anything and everything was on the table. saving the banks of priority one, two and three. tarp was supposed to help homeowners. it was supposed spo help almost 4 million people stay their homes. the justifications for not doing the right thing, not reducing principle, not fulfilling the promise. we can't help an undeserving homeowner. that would be terrible. the financial institutions that
11:27 pm
rode this country into the ditch, the unemployment -- that's not what get themes money. let's make sure they are able to pay their billions in bonuses because that might upset the system. it was an incredible double standard. >> jon: it's a bizarre way of treating -- the people created the crisis have to be coddled because you never know when they might go off again. you never know when they might throw the economy over the cliff again. it's like a spoiled child. what if we charge you no interest. [ laughter ] and you could sell it back to us for 5%. we don't care. don't hurt us again. >> a lot of banks did and still do hold a gun to their head. they hold us hostage. if you bring criminal charges against them you bring them down and that brings down the system. you can't get too tough with them. you can't break them up because it tears down its system.
11:28 pm
it's all just fives not that therl necessarily true because it's preserving the status quo and keeping their political power which is so strong in washington in tact. >> jon: can you stick around for a little bit? i want to ask you about that aspect of it at least behind the scenes there is a recognition that this is useless to some extent? there's a great thing in there about how they changed the world. four million homeowners had to be helped. they changed the wording that said we had to look for four million because we only helped 700,000. >> it's a classic washington move. the program goal is to help four million people. it was never going to be close because it was so broken. they weren't really caring about those people, they were trying to protect the bank. change the goal. we don't want to help four million people stay in their homes. we just want to make four million offer. >> jon: as long as those power
11:29 pm
to million don't take us up on it. "bailout" is incredible. you have to get. this it's on the bookshelv